I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
