I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
