someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
