Dual....:-)
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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