Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
