I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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