I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
