I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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