everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
