so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
