dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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