I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize