Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
