i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize