I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
