yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize