I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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