im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
