Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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