the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
