If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
