New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize