an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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