It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
