btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
