you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
