i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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