i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
