Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
