Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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