I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
