I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
