She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
