I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
