i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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