if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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