He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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