So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Too much gin, very little bucket
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
