how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She swung at the pinata with crutches
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
