you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
