I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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