1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
