I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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