oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
