Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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