Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
