im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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