This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
