i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
