you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
