Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
