another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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