I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
