i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
