It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
