i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
