drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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